Alabama

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to February?”

Arizona

It’s so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.

Arkansas

An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver asks, “‘Bout what?”

California

The Los Angeles Police Department, the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion is yelling, “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Colorado

How do you know you’re in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

Connecticut

What’s the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don’t own Connecticut.

Delaware

A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” says the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

Florida

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. –Jerry Seinfeld

Georgia

How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with “Go down Peachtree…” and include the phrase “When you see the Waffle House…”

Hawaii

Hawaii’s joke is they keep raising the prices, and the tourists keep coming — and none of the actual natives get a penny of benefit.

Idaho

Want to join a militia? Idaho’s your state. Here are some terms to learn:

•  
  • Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
  • Second in Command: His best friend.
  • Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
  • Captain: New guy.
  • Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
  • Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois

This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.” –Richard Jeni

Indiana

How boring is Indiana? The entire state is so boring that no one has ever bothered to make up a good joke about the state.

Iowa

What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald’s in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas

What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They’re all fixin’ to lose a trailer.

Kentucky

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it’d been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana

What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Maine

After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire.”Good,” said the farmer. “I couldn’t take another one of those Maine winters.”

Maryland

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

“Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?”

“Sure, buddy,” says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

“That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?”

The plebe snaps to attention and barks, “No, sir!”

Massachusetts

Lewis Black on Boston traffic: “The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, ‘The British are coming! The British are coming!’”

Michigan

What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

Minnesota

What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Mississippi

How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

Missouri

A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, “Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?”

The bartender says, “Listen, pal, I’m from St. Louis, and I won’t appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he’s from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?”

“No,” says the guy from Kansas City. “Not if I have to explain it three times.”

Montana

Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California.

Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window.

“What are you doing?” asks the Nebraskan.

“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of looking at them.”

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window.

“What are you doing?” asks the gal from Montana.

“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nebraska

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada

Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. –Jason Love

New Hampshire

The state motto is “Live Free or Die”, which appears on license plates made by prisoners. –Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

New Jersey

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York have all the lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.

New Mexico

Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop.

“What are you doing?” asks the man.

The tribesman replies, “Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph.”

“Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” says the Native American. “They ran over me five minutes ago.”

New York

I moved to New York City for my health. I’m paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. –Anita Weiss

North Carolina

A senior citizen of North Carolina was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Burnsville.”

hen asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Burnsville because everything happens in Burnsville 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

North Dakota

What’s a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.

Ohio

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep the store.”

“But, I’m an OSU graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager, taking the broom back. “Here, I’ll show you how.”

Oklahoma

How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There’s dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Oregon

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside.

Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”

“They’re from Oregon,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

Pennsylvania

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A mechanic.

Rhode Island

• Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
• Rhode Island: Size ain’t everything
• Rhode Island: Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina

While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore. Halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the old guy said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

South Dakota

A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren …and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Tennessee

Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back….

Texas

Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: “Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.” And the punchline? Every native Texan will agree that’s true.

Utah

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred?”

Vermont

What did the guy from Burlington say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? “Hey, nice tan.”

Virginia

There are no Virginia jokes — they’re all reserved for West Virginia.

Washington

In Seattle you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running. –Amazon founder Jeff Bezos

West Virginia

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m thinking of asking her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she darn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

Wisconsin

You know you’re from Wisconsin when:

• You measure distance in hours.
• You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” and back again — on the same day.
• You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals).
• You install security lights on your house and garage — and leave both unlocked.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
• You consider Minneapolis exotic.
• Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

Wyoming

One foggy night, a University of Wyoming student and a Brigham Young University student were driving the opposite directions on a road near Laramie. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars. The BYU student manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!”

Likewise, the UWyo Cowboy gets out of his car uninjured — he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The BYU student walks over to the Cowboy and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being bitter rivals.”

The Wyoming student thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”

The Cowboy then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He says to the BYU guy, “I think this is another sign: we should toast to our newfound friendship.”

“Agreed!” said the BYU student.

After sucking down half of the bottle, the Cowboy offers a swig to the Cougar and says, “Your turn!”

“I’m a Mormon,” the BYU student says, “but you can offer a drink to the officer walking up behind you.”

Speaking of Southwest Airlines, we’ve all heard of the clever pre-flight safety announcements. Did you know many are posted on YouTube? See:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvdCFYLf_JI

MAINTENANCE LOGS

Here is a compilation of some maintenance requests from various airlines, generally known as squawks, as submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken, and sometimes they have a little fun. This list has been around for a while, and may or may not be entirely true. But it circulated widely within the aviation community at first, so we know the pilots and maintenance folks have a sense of humor!

We found this bit of humor posted on Johnny Virgil’s blog, and cleaned it up ever so slightly to avoid offending your delicate sensibilities. 

 Strap in, shut up and hold on.
We’re going back.

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife’s grandfather. After a bunch of hours spent in The Hottest Attic In The Universe, he had a ceiling fan that ducted to the side of his house.

While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It’s not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy mackerel this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom, because obviously nothing absorbs errant pee like a nice, thick shag:

There’s plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I’m not going to bore you with that. Instead, I’m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic. Imagine if you wore them today.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It’s like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long, for god’s sake. And way to pull your pants up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked on the golf course:

This “all purpose jumpsuit” is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can’t see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it’s slightly more effective as a deterrent against prison rape.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked pretty much anywhere:

I’ll bet these guys do ok with the ladies. If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob “No-pants” Saget has his hand in the other guy’s pocket. In this case, he doesn’t, although you can tell just by looking at them that it’s happened – or if it hasn’t happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his color-coordinated coffee cup.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked at the beach:

He looks like he’s reaching for a gun, but you know it’s probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your butt kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don’t sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you’d be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit; which, frankly, is a step up.

How to get your butt kicked on every day
up to and including St. Patrick’s Day:

Dear god in heaven, I don’t believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you’re working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this — Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out there are words after all, and those words are What. The. F&$#. I’m guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. I think the little tie must be the pull tab. If you look closely, it says, “In case of chest hair emergency, pull tab quickly and back away.”

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, in 1977 it was apparently considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don’t they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled “Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best.”

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and an appreciative blonde with a look on her face that says “I love the way your junk fights against that fabric.”

Then, after the lovin’, you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I’m tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it’s the colors. I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that’s sexy.

————————————————–

And remember boys and girls, if this made you laugh, feel free to buy me a beer.

And if you won’t do it for the laugh, think of the children. And by children I mean me and my brothers in 1976.

Seriously, Johnny Virgil is one strange dude. See his blog at: 15minutelunch.blogspot.com and if you are so inclined, see his other JC Penney catalog posts and his essay on his weirdest boss.

Seasons Greetings!

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
   .
2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
   .
3. The three French hens will remain intact. They are lobbying to leave the company and one French hen is demanding half of the company’s profits as payment to stay. This is despite the fact that their portion of the business actually runs at a loss. Any restructuring involving the hens involves serious political implications and there is a movement amongst a portion of the company simply to have them shot.
   .
4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
   .
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. 
   .
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three geese will be let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
   .
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
   .
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by HRD Canada. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. The (all male) Board of Directors doesn’t care what the maids do, provided the Board itself continues to make 27% more money.
   .
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Less charitable members of the organization have implied that considering their style of “dancing” they were not precisely ladies to begin with.
   .
10. Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with out of work Conservative MPs and NDP MLAs. While their leaping ability (and integrity) have been somewhat questioned, there is no doubting their brilliance in dodging questions and avoiding responsibility. The savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of both these  groups in the coming year.
    .
11. Eleven Pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. The company must act quickly on this issue before the pipers union certification vote goes through in March.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we purchase an a run down, old 727 we can drop ship in one day and service levels will be improved. It is difficult to determine the cost, however, of constantly replacing dead pilots.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request that management scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the right number.

—
The pictures of Santa Claus are courtesy of Santa’s Website.
The picture of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer is courtesy of Creative Commons.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
Winston Churchill

“Ihave never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend… if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill, to whichChurchill replied:

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
Winston Churchill

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

MARKETING

Brookwoods Group focuses on staffing and recruiting for marketing and marketing communications professionals. The market for professionals in these fields is quite hot at the moment, and more and more people ask for a simple explanation of the concept. Well, here it is — an oversimplified explanation of everything you need to know about marketing:

You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That’s Selling.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party in a limo when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you stick your head out the sunroof and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”

That’s spam!

—-

A Tennessee country preacher had a teenage son, and as he neared the end of high school it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study desk three items: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. “I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be OK too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be.”

The older man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the three items on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. His father, watching quietly, started to silently thank the Lord. But then his son picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, and twisted the top off the bottle and took a big drink!

“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “he’s gonna be a Congressman!”

—-

Here are memorable actual interview moments gathered from various sources:

Unusual questions from candidates:

• What is it that you people do at this company?
• Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?
• Why do you want references?
• I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?

Unusual statements from candidates:

• Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
• I am fascinated by fire.
• I never get hungry.
• I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
• I think I’m going to throw-up.
• What job am I applying for, anyway?
• My resume might make it look like I’m a job hopper. But I want you to know that I never left any of those jobs voluntarily.
• Sorry for yawning. I usually sleep until my soap operas are on.
• I will definitely work harder for you than I did for my last employer.
• I don’t think I’m capable of doing this job, but I sure would like the money.

 Statements from rocky resumes:

• “I demand a salary commiserate with my experience.”
• “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
• “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
• “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
• “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
• “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
• “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
• “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”

 Unusual interviews from the employer’s perspective:

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• Candidate announced that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer.
• Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

Unusual interviews from the candidate’s perspective:

• A candidate asked the guard at the front desk to call the HR representative she was to meet. The guard replied, “She’s not in.” Asked to elaborate, he gave a sidelong grin and pointed to a flyer on his bulletin board. There was a picture of the HR rep and the legend, “Do not, under any circumstances, allow this woman in the building.”
• One interviewer asked questions while continually taking phone calls, doing stress-relief exercises and eating a tuna sandwich. At long last, he lay on the floor, pulled his knees to his chest and said, “I would like to convey to you that you are one of the front-runners. Are you interested?”
• A PR director for an insurance company brought a candidate into his office, closed the door, and told him, “I’ve been doing this for 13 years. I can’t go on.”
• A candidate interviewed for a position in a small company that reported directly to the president. “The woman who was interviewing me kept emphasizing what a difficult person the president could be, how he had trouble delegating, was not consistent in his management, played favorites, etc. Yet she had been with the company for quite a few years herself and worked directly for the president. When I asked her what had kept her there for so long, considering the difficulties of working for this person, she replied, ‘I’m married to him.’”

If you are reading on-line, the answers are hidden as “white text”… you can reveal the answers by highlighting with your mouse.

QUESTION 1

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

WITH YOUR MOUSE, HIGHLIGHT STARTING HERE

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.

HIGHLIGHT TO THIS POINT HERE

QUESTION 2

You are participating in a race. You overtake the last person. What position are you in?

WITH YOUR MOUSE, HIGHLIGHT STARTING HERE

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You’re not very good at this! Are you?

HIGHLIGHT TO THIS POINT HERE

QUESTION 3

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

WITH YOUR MOUSE, HIGHLIGHT STARTING HERE

Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

HIGHLIGHT TO THIS POINT HERE

QUESTION 4

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before highlighting the answer below:

WITH YOUR MOUSE, HIGHLIGHT STARTING HERE

He opens his mouth and says. “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.” If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day

HIGHLIGHT TO THIS POINT HERE

So, what’s the point?

Despite the catty comments, you may be consoled to know these are NOT actually intelligence tests. You are perfectly intelligent, now matter how you answered. But they do highlight the natural tendency we all have to judge a situation based on our experience and expectations, not on what is actually presented.

The lesson buried in the humor is to pay close attention to what people are actually trying to communicate to you. Ask questions to clarify. Even the most careful and intelligent people are going to “hear” a different thing than what was “said”!

With that in mind, I hereby honor little old lady drivers with two stories and two video clips. (Keep in mind that the video clips only work well if you have a broadband internet connection.)

THE LITTLE OLD LADY FROM PASADENA

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a California State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

THE LITTLE OLD LADY FROM BOISE

This is a true story…

A Boise Airport visitor returned her rental car to the airport car-rental counter Tuesday — by driving into the terminal.

A “confused senior citizen,” whose name and age were not released, followed an outside “terminal access” sign as she bumped her rented minivan through a set of automatic-opening double-doors on the west end and through the terminal, past the baggage claim area to the rotunda, airport spokeswoman Larissa Stouffer said.

The woman stopped when she reached the rental-car counter.

“The lucky thing is she didn’t hit anything,” Stouffer said. There was no damage to the terminal building, no one was hurt and the out-of-town woman, who departed on a flight later in the morning, was not cited. The incident highlighted the need for barriers to block the door, which Stouffer said the airport had planned to install but had not gotten around to. Officials blocked the door Tuesday with a large trash can as a temporary measure, she said.

From Idaho Statesman, Sept 29, 2004

HOW LITTLE OLD LADIES AMUSE THEMSELVES… … while driving with their husbands on country roads… Click HERE to play the movie.
LITTLE OLD LADY DRIVING HER LINCOLN… … and what happens to her on a sunny afternoon on Interstate 409… Click HERE to play the movie.