States of Denial

A city like Houston is a great melting pot; most folks here were born somewhere else, but they got here as fast as they could! In the spirit of insulting everyone's origins equally, here is a compilation of jokes from, about, or at the expense of the natives of each state:

Alabama

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to February?"

Arizona

It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.

Arkansas

An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver asks, "'Bout what?"

California

The Los Angeles Police Department, the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Colorado

How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

Connecticut

What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.

Delaware

A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word."

Florida

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld

Georgia

How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House..."

Hawaii

Hawaii's joke is they keep raising the prices, and the tourists keep coming -- and none of the actual natives get a penny of benefit.

Idaho

Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:

• • Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
  • Second in Command: His best friend.
  • Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
  • Captain: New guy.
  • Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
  • Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois

This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough." --Richard Jeni

Indiana

How boring is Indiana? The entire state is so boring that no one has ever bothered to make up a good joke about the state.

Iowa

What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas

What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.

Kentucky

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana

What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Maine

After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire."Good," said the farmer. "I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."

Maryland

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

"Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"

"Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"

The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!"

Massachusetts

Lewis Black on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'"

Michigan

What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

Minnesota

What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Mississippi

How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

Missouri

A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"

The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Montana

Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California.

Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window.

"What are you doing?" asks the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them."

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window.

"What are you doing?" asks the gal from Montana.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them."

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nebraska

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada

Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. --Jason Love

New Hampshire

The state motto is "Live Free or Die", which appears on license plates made by prisoners. --Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

New Jersey

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York have all the lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.

New Mexico

Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop.

"What are you doing?" asks the man.

The tribesman replies, "Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph."

"Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," says the Native American. "They ran over me five minutes ago."

New York

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. --Anita Weiss

North Carolina

A senior citizen of North Carolina was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Burnsville."

hen asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Burnsville because everything happens in Burnsville 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

North Dakota

What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.

Ohio

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store."

"But, I'm an OSU graduate!" the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager, taking the broom back. "Here, I'll show you how."

Oklahoma

How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There's dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Oregon

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside.

Curious, Howard asks Satan, "Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?"

"They're from Oregon," Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."

Pennsylvania

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.

Rhode Island

• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
• Rhode Island: Size ain't everything
• Rhode Island: Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina

While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore. Halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do anything," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."

South Dakota

A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ...and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Tennessee

Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back....

Texas

Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: "Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive." And the punchline? Every native Texan will agree that's true.

Utah

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.

"Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor.

"Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"

"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either."

"Well then," says the doctor, "why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred?"

Vermont

What did the guy from Burlington say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? "Hey, nice tan."

Virginia

There are no Virginia jokes -- they're all reserved for West Virginia.

Washington

In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. --Amazon founder Jeff Bezos

West Virginia

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he's met.

"Dad, she's fantastic. She's smart, in great shape, and she's getting her teaching certificate this spring. I'm thinking of asking her to marry me, but..."

"But what, son?" asks the father.

"She's a virgin."

The father scratches his beard and says, "Son, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she darn sure ain't good enough for ours."

Wisconsin

You know you're from Wisconsin when:

• You measure distance in hours.
• You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" and back again -- on the same day.
• You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals).
• You install security lights on your house and garage -- and leave both unlocked.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
• You consider Minneapolis exotic.
• Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

Wyoming

One foggy night, a University of Wyoming student and a Brigham Young University student were driving the opposite directions on a road near Laramie. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars. The BYU student manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the UWyo Cowboy gets out of his car uninjured -- he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The BYU student walks over to the Cowboy and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being bitter rivals."

The Wyoming student thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Cowboy then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the BYU guy, "I think this is another sign: we should toast to our newfound friendship."

"Agreed!" said the BYU student.

After sucking down half of the bottle, the Cowboy offers a swig to the Cougar and says, "Your turn!"

"I'm a Mormon," the BYU student says, "but you can offer a drink to the officer walking up behind you."